You Don't Choose Your Values. You Discover Them.

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For the first ten years of my career, I helped high school and college students develop themselves as leaders. I taught them principles coined by some of the greatest minds in leadership development: Maxwell, Lencioni, Covey, et al.

During one particular conference module, we distinguished values from virtues and asked the students to choose 3-5 values. I’d give them a list of options and respective definitions, ask them to circle the ones that resonated the most, and really commit to them.

Back then, I thought I was making a meaningful difference. Now, in hindsight, I realize that I was asking them to choose their values the same way they’d choose what toppings they want on their sandwich.

The Better QUESTION

When you ask yourself, “What do I value?” you’re bound to come up with a list of feel-good words. When you take a step back, though, you’ll realize that it becomes really hard to whittle that list down. Are you really going to strike “family” or “integrity” from the list? Probably not.

If you want to cut to the core of what you truly value, ask this instead: “What makes me furious?” Not what you find mildly frustrating, but what genuinely enrages you. Look for the situations that you find yourself replaying in your mind at two o’clock in the morning.

Because underneath every trigger, almost without exception, is a violated value. Not an aspirational one. Not the kind you'd write on a worksheet. The kind that's been quietly running your decisions, your relationships, and your resentments, whether you've named it or not.

When I traced mine back, they almost all led to the same place: a belief that every person deserves to be treated with dignity, regardless of their title or how much power they hold in the room. I wasn't just bothered when I saw people treated poorly. I was furious. That's not a preference. That's a core value doing its job, with or without my permission.

Look for your compass

There's a version of values work that produces a list. And there's a version that produces a compass.

A list tells you who you want to be. A compass tells you when you've drifted. It's the difference between knowing you value "growth" and being able to explain exactly why you felt suffocated in that job, why that client engagement kept draining you, and why you keep agreeing to things you know you should decline.

A compass gives language to the dissonance you've been carrying but couldn't name. And once you have that language, you can use it to make better decisions, to set clearer boundaries, and to stop explaining yourself and start trusting yourself.

That's what real values work does. It's harder than circling words on a worksheet, but it's the only version that actually holds up.

A Complimentary resource

To make amends with every student who endured my lackluster values exercise all those years ago, I’ve built Discovering Your Core Values as a guided reflection workbook. It’s yours, for free.

It walks you through five phases to uncover the values you're already living by, whether you've named them or not. You can work through independently, or use the AI thought partner prompts built into each phase to explore with Claude or ChatGPT at your own pace.

And if you want a human thought partner to help you dig a little deeper, book a complimentary one-hour coaching session with me.

Most people never do this work, but you don't have to be most people.

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